Good Foundation Is Key

Monday, March 1st, 2010

Over ¾ of women wear the wrong shade of foundation. Quite frankly, it’s the thing girls fuck up the most – with Ru-Paul-esque consequences. It’s a lot of dramatic irony with regards to the applicationfail; notably the bourgeois inability to accept the less is more principle.

I don’t understand how our culture has arrived to create these sluts that have started wearing the wrong foundation in high school – yet haven’t self corrected the heinous artwork they call their face.

To me, make up application seems like mathematics: practice is key. I suppose this is why most make up artists are men.

Foundation Types: A Quick Guide

Liquid

The most common of the foundations and thus the most used incorrectly. Due to its viscosity, it is relatively easy to apply, and offers hydration from it’s high moisture content. It is best suited to dry skin, yet acne prone girls are still seen using this.

Drag Factor: 4/5

Mousse

Whipped cream foundation – it is a new comer to the scene. Mousse foundation reminds me of agin hipster DJ’s at DOC: with the flaws left in your face the retarded twenty-something ‘alt’ kids that swoon at their every word.

Drag Factor: 5/5

Powder

The classic loose compact offers sheer coverage. This is the least used, however, in my opinion, it is the best option for a lower probability of looking like a whore.

Drag Factor: 2/5

Mineral Foundation

The most effective for sensitive skins, and the hardest to fuck up: I would probably use this. If I had a vagina.

Drag Factor: 1/5

Stick Foundation

A little less viscous than that of mousse, this is the easiet to apply, however more often than not, one is left looking shiny and usually with a more defined jawline than wanted.

Drag Factor 4/5

Cream To Powder

The type with the most interesting name and chemistry, this foundation is applied in a stick or mousse form, which then dries to a powder – a classic look, with the probability to look terrible being high.

Drag Factor 4/5

Tinted Moisturizer

Good for on the run, and also for boys, this has a Drag Factor of zero, however, it has an exponentially function of faggotry when used by guys.

Drag Factor: 0/5

Coverage

When choosing your foundation, a good understanding of yourself, your skin, and also your skill in application is needed. Oil free formulas offer a matt finish – which is good for those weeks where KFC has been consumed – beware though, if ones canvas is repugnant to begin with, something matt is going to show every flaw.

It’s also important to consider the amount of coverage you need. Sheer is for the hotties. Full is for the rest.

Skin type is what you should really base your foundation choice on: not on how uggz you are, as logic would dictate.

Dry

 This means you have fine pores, and thin, papery skin. It is best to choice a foundation which has lots of hydrating ingredients: such as water. These types will give you a lovely sateen finish, and will leave your face not feeling like you’ve just been swimming in mud.

Vinny H recommends: Chanel Teint Innocence Cream – it’s got 33% water, so it’s good. Around $120

Oily

Poor poor girls. Data shows that you require the most foundation, but the irony is, that foundation is only going to exacerbate your problem. Excess shine, coupled with large pores – foundations have been formulated for your type – and they apparently work.

Vinny H recommends: Clinique Even Better Makeup – it’s a Cream to Powder type, so be careful!  Around $65

Combination

You’re fucked, you really are. You need something that hydrates AND that is dry enough to cause break outs. I could regress the whiney, needy behavior of females back to the terrible time you must have applying make up – but won’t. Fear not though, with the break through in chemistry.

Vinny H recommends: Dior Diorskin Natural Glow Fresh Powder Makeup. It’s a powder type, so it’s a little easier than the others. Around $95

Colour

Being brown, I know the problem with a overzealous marketing campaign based on what the majority want: but when it comes to foundation, colour blending is very important.

When deciding your colour: it’s important to choose the one that disappears when you rub it in.

Make sure you test it in natural light – the lighting in stores makes all the colours look the same; the bastards.

It’s also important to have two different shades: summer and winter. We all know why.

Application Tips

Here are some tips, so you don’t leave the house looking like a drag queen:

-       Make sure you apply the make up to clean skin. Imagine painting on a canvas that had something already on it: unless you’re trying to be avante garde, let’s 3 step before even attempting to heap out to Cassette.

-       Less is more.

-       Invest in a primer. It’s the plastering before you paint. And walls almost always look perfect when primed well. DIY states: 90% preparation, 10% work – and I know you’re not going down to MAC every morning to get some drop out to do your makeup.

-       Make sure you blend well. Nothing is more funny than a different coloured neck. Panda eyes may be hot to some people, but I imagine I wouldn’t want to sleep with them: and I’m easy as.

-       Set the foundation with translucent powder. It’ll stop you looking like your mother at Sunday mass.

-       Natural is key. The façade of perfection is just as good as the real thing.

 

Check your make up more than once. I differing light schemes. This is very important. You can’t control lighting. You’re not God.

 

It’s time everyone started taking more care when applying this bitch of a product: less Drag Queen, and more Victoria Beckham please.

Vinny H